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Staying connected at a time
when everyone feels a little unplugged
The years between
elementary school and high school can be confusing ones
for families.
One day you are
snuggling on the couch enjoying a video with your
daughter, the next the only talking she wants to do is
with her friends on the telephone. Suddenly, your
previously reserved son wants to pierce his ear and
bleach his hair.
What gives?
Dr. Lauren Ayers,
psychologist and nationally known author of books on
adolescence, says pre-adolescent behavior isn’t nearly
as mysterious as it can sometimes seem. From around age
10 to 15, children are experiencing not only enormous
physical changes, but a heightened awareness of the big
wide world outside their homes.
Pre-teens experience an
increasing need to feel as if they "belong" somewhere
other than in their family. At school, they are under
pressure not only to achieve academically, but also to
fit in socially.
With all this going on
for kids, Ayers says it is no wonder they can seem so
unpredictable at times.
Encouraging the dialogue
As far as staying close
in the junior high years goes, the most critical
challenge for parents is to keep the lines of
communication open and strong, says Ayers.
She offers some
strategies that have proven successful:
Be a concerned and caring listener
Ayers favors an
approach she calls "practicing senility." This entails
listening, smiling, nodding, but not reacting too
forcefully to what your child has to say.
Ayers says that
generally your child doesn’t want the upshot of a
conversation to be you dispensing advice. It is often
enough to simply listen in a supportive and sympathetic
way.
"After about 10 to 15
minutes, even the most hysterical youngster will have
worked things through," says Ayers.
Although it often goes
against a parent’s instinct to simply listen, she says
that exercising the restraint and allowing your child to
work through his or her problems in your company will
serve your child well when faced with issues like drugs,
alcohol and sex.
"Generally kids who
have a good foundation in this regard are less likely to
be swayed when confronted with hard decisions later on,"
says Ayers. "In pre-adolescence, what you are doing by
listening and being benign is teaching good judgment."
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Consider a change of venue
When having an
important discussion, Ayers suggests taking a car ride
or finding a quiet place that will distance you and your
child from other distractions, like the television,
phone or other family members.
Be
supportive
Ayers says that when
all else fails, simply putting your hand on a child’s
shoulder and telling him or her "I think you are a great
kid" or that life won’t always seem so hard sends the
very strong message that you value what they are going
through, understand that it can seem monumental and
offer hope that things are likely to become less
confusing and difficult with time.
From
the trenches: Parents of junior high schoolers
speak out
The following advice
comes from parents who are currently finding their way
through the middle school years with their children.
Communication
- "I find that I have a captive audience when we
are in the car. Even though I often only get
one-word answers, I keep up the conversation and
occasionally we will hit on a topic that he really
wants to elaborate on."
Practice empathy,
rather than judgment
- "Often children don’t want
a quick answer from you, but just a sympathetic
ear."
Keep a sense of humor.
"It works wonders. This
doesn’t mean you should downplay their concerns, but
a good laugh now and again can really lighten the
mood, particularly when things are getting a little
too heated around our house."
Avoid the power
struggles
- Over blue hair, for
example..."My own parents were very authoritarian;
it was either their way or no way and it made me
want to rebel all the more. So when my son tells me
he wants to bleach his hair, I say ‘Go for it.’ It
is, after all, only hair. But just because we go for
one idea doesn’t mean we are going to allow
something more radical – something disfiguring, for
example. We encourage our kids to think things
through before they make big decisions."
Homework
- "I don’t harp on him about
his schoolwork. We set standards and if his
performance is below par, he knows he will lose
privileges.
Open door policy
- "We
encourage our children to bring their friends home
when we are there, and we try to get to know who
they talk with on the phone or chat with online."
- "Carpooling gives
us a wonderful opportunity to get to know our kids’
friends – to hear what they are talking about and to
learn about their interests."
Know the other
families
- "This doesn’t mean you
have to socialize regularly with them. Simply get to
know who they are, what their rules are, whether
they are home at the times when your child wants to
visit."
Display affection
- "I have never stopped
being physically affectionate with my kids, despite
their occasional protests. Although I respect their
need for space, I will still persist in getting a
kiss or hug before I drop them off at school."
Tap into their
interests
- "This doesn’t have to mean
dressing in flares and bleaching the tips of your
hair, but simply expressing a desire to understand
what they like about rap music or why they are so
passionate about soccer."
Make time for
one-on-one
- Go out to breakfast or
make a date for pizza and the movies on a regular
basis.
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