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Raising a
resilient junior high schooler
Junior high school can be a time of considerable change
for children - a new school setting, tougher coursework,
a whole new cast of friends. In light of all this, even
the most up-for-the-challenge kids are likely to feel
stress and confusion at times.
As with adults, when children are confronted with new
challenges, they run the risk of failing at what they
try, saying the wrong thing or making the wrong
decision. During the pre-teen years—when making friends
and finding a way to fit in are prime motivators—just
about anything that makes kids stand out, particularly
in an unflattering way, can seem horrifying. They
quickly learn that going along with the crowd is
sometimes the easiest way to feel safe and secure. This
can mean caving in to peer pressure or making unsafe or
unwise decisions, including experimenting with alcohol
and other drugs, rather than risking rejection or
criticism.
There are, however, many children who do well
academically, socially and emotionally despite the
challenges and changes. Increasingly, researchers are
finding that children who are resilient are the ones who
have the strength to do what they know is right and to
resist negative peer influences.
What makes a resilient child?
Resilience is the ability to roll with life's punches.
Some of us are born with more resilience; others need to
work harder to develop this ability.
Resilience is a skill that will help your children
weather the junior high school years and will serve them
well throughout their lives. And the good news is that
resilience is something you can help your children
develop.
Resilience in children is built from success with life's
daily challenges, such as tackling schoolwork or
handling difficulties with friends. It can also come
from trying a new sport or joining a club that none of
their friends belong to.
Given lots of opportunity to try new things—and a safety
net built from supportive family, teachers and
friends—children can experience success in unfamiliar
settings and with new challenges. The more success they
experience, the more their self-esteem and confidence
grow. And ultimately, the more resilient they become.
Helping kids learn to roll with
life's punches
It is normal for junior high schoolers to begin pulling
away from their parents and putting greater stock in
what friends think and say. This can leave parents
wondering how much influence they still have. Believe it
or not, you do have a lot of ability to help shape your
children's attitudes and guide their decisions. The key
is learning how to stay connected with your children and
offer them your advice and when to take a step back and
let them try things their own way.
Here are some ways families can help build children's
confidence and, ultimately, their resilience:
-
Empathize.
As adults, it can be easy to make light of the stresses
of the early teenage years. If your child opens up to
you about something that is bothering or confusing him
or her, it is likely something that you should give your
full attention to.
-
Talk with
your children/become a supportive listener. Despite
families' on-the-go lifestyles, it's important to find
time to talk and really connect with your children each
day. Before the homework and dinner rush, take a walk
together. Talk in the car during daily commutes-kids are
likely to be more comfortable opening up if they aren't
face-to-face-and be ready to have the heart-to-heart at
bedtime when you're most exhausted, but your children
feel most safe and secure.
-
Help your
children understand that you love them for the unique
people they are, not simply for what they do or don't
do.
-
Teach your
children to problem solve, think for themselves and make
decisions. As parents, our first instinct is to shelter
our children from the less appealing parts of life and
keep them from making unwise choices. However, as they
get older, children want to make more of their own
decisions. Resilient children are able to describe their
problems, consider different solutions and learn from
the outcomes. Sometimes, role-playing can help prepare
them for an actual event, particularly when children are
trying to summon the courage to confront a difficult
situation.
-
When you set
limits, offer acceptable alternatives. As parents, there
are times you do know what's best for your children. If
you are uncomfortable with your children going to the
mall to see a movie without supervision, tell them why.
A possible alternative that allows them some freedom,
but helps you feel in control, might be going with them
to the show, but sitting a few rows back. Another might
be picking up a DVD and popcorn at the video store and
inviting your children and their friends to hang out at
your house.
-
Use
television or movies to spark discussions about sex,
drugs and other high-risk behaviors. Many teen movies
and television shows, commercials, the Internet and
print media are filled with images designed to sway
children toward such products as tobacco and alcohol or
other drugs. They also can include adult content. Help
your children become critical consumers. Preview the
shows they watch and the sites they visit online. Talk
with them about the subliminal messages that movies, e-zines
and print magazines aim at kids. For more information,
log on to
http://www.aap.org/family/mediaimpact.htm or
http://www.rctruth.org.
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