Whether tackling new learning, navigating friendships or trying to find a way to shine, children face challenges each day. Increasingly, studies show that children who feel good about themselves seem to have an easier time handling life's ups and downs. In their book Raising Resilient Children, psychologists Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein write that some people are born with more resilience, the ability to roll with life's punches. Others need to work harder to develop this ability.

Children with high self-esteem tend to be upbeat and hopeful, tackle reasonable challenges, learn from their successes and failures and treat themselves and others with respect. They also seem better at making decisions, make friends more easily, may do better academically, are more willing to try new experiences and are better equipped to resist negative peer pressures and bullying.

What makes a resilient child?

Though helping our children become resilient is our ultimate goal, how to help them develop this trait may be less than obvious. Actually, resilience is built from success with life's daily challenges such as tackling schoolwork or negotiating difficulties with friends. It can also come from trying a new sport that might seem scary or joining a club that none of their friends belong to.

As with adults, some children show more willingness to try new things than others. And children may feel more or less self-assured depending on the setting or situation (e.g., school vs. home).

Given lots of opportunities to try new things—and a safety net built from supportive family, teachers and friends—children can experience success in unfamiliar settings and with new challenges. The more success they experience, the more their self-esteem and confidence grow. And ultimately, the more resilient they become. [top]

What parents can do to boost children's confidence...and resilience

The good news is that resilience can be nurtured. Up until age six, parents play a major role in providing unconditional love, encouraging children toward positive experiences and celebrating their successes—all key confidence-builders. In fact, most early childhood events, such as teaching children to tie their shoes or to cross the street carefully, are stepping stones toward confidence.

Once children become school age, they boost their self-esteem through the positive interactions they have with teachers and friends, as well as at home.

In general, the more developed children's self-esteem is before the teen years, the easier it will be for them to resist such negative peer pressures as alcohol and other drug use. Confident children are also less likely to become victims of bullying and may also be the ones to stand up for those who are being treated unfairly.

There are many important ways that parents and other adults—family members, coaches, teachers, scout leaders—can boost children's self-esteem. Here are some suggestions:

• Support your children, unconditionally. We all need a cheering section. According to Brooks and Goldstein, to nurture resilient and confident children, parents need to accept children for who they are and not for what the parents might want them to be.
   
• Be a positive role model. Children learn by example. When parents are overly hard on themselves or unrealistic about their own abilities and limitations, children are more likely to adopt similar beliefs about themselves. Emphasizing what you are good at, can do and have worked hard to achieve is likely to encourage children to do the same.
   
• Praise your children, not only for a job well done, but also for their efforts. For example, "I know that multiplication is difficult for you. I am proud of the hard work you are putting in to learn the times tables...and you should be, too."
   
• Encourage children's interests. Help them find activities they can do well, in their own way. Activities that encourage cooperation and individual strength rather than competition—such as after-school clubs or intramurals, scouting, martial arts, dance, etc.—are especially good for building self-esteem. The public library can also be a great resource for books and free programs that help children discover new interests.
   
• Help your children learn to work through their difficulties. Often our first response is to try to fix things when our children are disappointed, have trouble negotiating friendships or have fallen short of a goal. Rather than offering all the answers, talk with your children about what is bothering them and what they think can be done to solve the problem. Sometimes, role-playing can help prepare them for the actual event, particularly when children are trying to summon the courage to confront a difficult situation.
   
• Help them view mistakes and failure as learning experiences. Supporting the effort they've put in and offering specific suggestions on ways they might do things differently in the future (e.g., "If you swing the bat this way, it might help you connect with the ball better next time.") can encourage children to feel hopeful and try again.
   
• Allow children to make some choices and decisions that are appropriate for their age and abilities. This can give them a sense of responsibility and help them feel more confident and in control. [top]