Getting picked on used to be considered an unpleasant but largely unavoidable rite of passage for some children. Today, educators and counselors know that victims of bullying often carry the emotional scars well into their adult lives.

Bullying tends to peak during the middle school years, but elementary school-age children are no strangers to this destructive kind of behavior.

If you haven't witnessed it yourself, ask your children. Chances are good they've seen it, and with a little encouragement, may be willing to discuss the details.

There are so many ways for kids to be mean and technologies like the Internet and instant messaging (IM) have only expanded the ways kids spread rumors and harass each other.

Bullying can take many forms. These include:

• Physical: hitting, kicking, stealing or damaging someone's property.
   

• Verbal: using words to hurt or humiliate.
   

• Relational: spreading rumors, excluding a person from the peer group.
   

• Prejudicial: making racial slurs, making fun of cultural, religious or other differences.
   

• Sexual harassment: using suggestive words or inappropriate touch.

Bullying usually happens between people who aren't friends. Bullies may be bigger, tougher or have the power to exclude others from their social group.

Sure, kids joke around and this often includes name-calling or rough-housing. But these incidents are not necessarily bullying. Bullying has three key characteristics that set it apart:

• There is a power difference between the bully and the victim.
   

• The bully intends to hurt, embarrass or humiliate the other person.
   

• The behavior is repeated - sometimes with others, with the same person or with the same person over time.

Teachers, social workers and school psychologists say that name-calling, exclusion and relational bullying, increasingly common among girls during the upper elementary years, are the types of bullying they see most often.

Early education is key to preventing bullying. All New York State schools are required to have clear policies on how bullying will be handled. They must also incorporate lessons on character education from kindergarten through grade 12.

During the elementary years, children are taught how to resolve conflicts peacefully, to accept others' differences and to work well as part of a team. Children who learn tolerance and can get along with all kinds of people are less likely to become bullies as teens and adults.

Another goal of character education in our elementary schools is to help children develop good coping skills they can draw on if they are victims of bullying. In elementary classrooms, children may listen to and discuss books on this topic or role-play ways to resolve problems - such as what to do if someone won't make room for a child to sit at the lunch table. Children are also encouraged to talk with their teacher or work one-on-one or in small groups with school social workers and counselors to learn good coping skills.

Though lessons in school are important, what children see and hear at home is even more powerful in influencing behavior. Following are some ways families can help teach their children how to be safe and resist bullying.

• Talk with your children, everyday, about anything and everything. Take the time each day to ask your children open ended questions - those that require more than a "yes," "no" or "nothing" to answer. Ask about friends, school, their likes and dislikes and patiently listen to what they answer. These daily conversations will give you insight into their lives outside your home and may provide clues if something is troubling them. They will also be more likely to bring their concerns to you first if you are a patient and sympathetic listener.
   

• Practice what you preach. By responding calmly to stressful situations and being tolerant of others' differences, you send a positive message to your children about how to act.
   

• Teach your children how to stay safe and stand up for themselves and others. For example: look a bully in the eye, stand tall, use a firm voice, walk away from a conflict and find a trustworthy adult to talk to. Help them practice these skills; these behaviors don't always come naturally for children.
   

• Teach the difference between "tattling" and "telling." Children "tattle" when they want to get someone in trouble, look good in someone else's eyes or have an adult solve their problem. Children are "telling" when they want protection for themselves or someone else, are scared or are in danger. Unlike "tattling", "telling" is something you want to encourage.
   

• Encourage involvement in constructive activities. Bullies tend to pick on children who are loners. Encourage your children to make meaningful friendships and toward adult-supervised clubs and activities.

If you think your child is being bullied, call the school to report any incidents. Talk with your child's teacher(s), principal, school counselor or social worker about what you know and discuss ways you can work together to solve the problem.

How to tell if your child is the victim of bullying

Often, children who are bullied won't tell out of shame, fear of retaliation or feelings of hopelessness. Here are some signs to watch for that might signal a problem with a bully:

• Subtle changes in behavior (withdrawn, anxious, preoccupied, loss of interest in school or in favorite activities.)
   

• Coming home from school with bruises and scratches, torn or dirtied clothing or with missing or damaged books and property.
   

• A loss of appetite.
   

• Excessive trips to the school nurse.
   

• An inability to sleep, bad dreams, crying in sleep.
   

• Repeatedly losing clothing, money or other valuables.
   

• Afraid or reluctant to go to school in the morning.
   

• Repeated headaches or stomachaches, particularly in the morning.
   

• Feeling lonely.
   

• Sensitive or withdrawn when asked about the day.

Source: National PTA, http://www.pta.org

Resources for parents on character, problem-solving and bullying:

• The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School -How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso
   

• Easing the Teasing: Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule, and Verbal Bullying by Judy S. Freedman
   

• Nobody Knew What To Do: A Story About Bullying by Becky Ray McCain
   

• How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense by Kate Cohen-Posey

Resources for children:

Ages 4-8

• When Sophie Gets Angry-Really, Really Angry... by Molly Bang
   

• How To Be A Friend: A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
   

• The Meanest Thing To Say by Bill Cosby
   

• The Brand New Kid by Katie Couric
   

• Simon's Hook: A Story About Teases and Putdowns by Karen Gedig Burnett
   

• Oliver Button Is a Sissy by Tomie dePaola
   

• Be Good to Eddie Lee by Virginia Fleming
   

• Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes
   

• Hooway for Wodney Wat by Helen Lester
   

• Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon by Patty Lovell
   

• Goggles! by Ezra Jack Keats
   

• Enemy Pie by Derek Munson
   

• The Recess Queen by Alexis O'Neill
   

• Coat of Many Colors by Dolly Parton
   

• Mr. Lincoln's Way by Patricia Polacco
   

• Muskrat Will Be Swimming by Cheryl Savageau
   

• Don't Laugh at Me by Steve Seskin
   

• Why Am I Different? by Norma Simon
   

• Stop Picking on Me: A First Look at Bullying by Pat Thomas
   

• The Other Side by Jacqueline Woodson
   

• The Hating Book by Charlotte Zolotow

• Stick Up for Yourself! Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power and Positive Self-Esteem by Gershen Kaufman, Lev Raphael and Pamela Espeland
   

• The Hundred Dresses by Eleanor Estes
   

• Muslim Child: Understanding Islam Through Stories and Poems by Rukhsana Khan
   

• Sahara Special by Esme Raji Codell
   

• The Star Fisher by Laurence Yep
   

• Who Belongs Here?: An American Story by Margy Burns Knight
   

• Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli [top]